The other side of the door

Rather you dream your life to be a journey in the wilderness, a walk down a long hallway, as wide open as a field, or full of twists and turns winding your way through a labrynth; you have moments where fog or the brightness of the sun prohibits you from seeing what lies ahead. For years we spent moment upon moment cluesless to our future. The pain was great, the losses were numeral, and the opportunity to grow closer to Him abounded. With nearly every postive there is a negative and with every negative you are most assuredly promised a good to glean from it.
We have gleaned. So many things have blessed our lives. We have grown through so much. So much that only we understand. This doesn't make us different from others, as everyone has experiences and aches that only they can grasp in full depth. Ours are that...merely ours and we own them and all of their pain and growth. Just as we own all of our joys and the strength to keep moving forward.

Not one moment, not one decision, not one change would I make. I am the woman I am and my husband is the man of righteousness that he is for all of these challenges and joyous occasions. Having no regrets does not mean you forget nor does it mean you cannot remember those who have entered your life and gone away. There is a special little boy turning three one week from today. He will always hold a tender place in our hearts. We will always pray that our Father will guide his footsteps, be his light and salvation, and will keep him protected from all harm. He taught us how to love as parents, how to comprehend the weight of responsbility for another life, and once again, how to let go. While logic cannot provide explanation to why he left only to be wisked off to another place again, we have faith that his path will be just as it should be. We trust and do not mourn, we remember that beautiful smile and know that for whatever reason we were chosen to start him on the right path in life and to pray him from a place of loneliness to a place of love. I remember walking into the hospital and seeing him lying there with no parents, no special blankets or photos, no arms to hold him. We picked him up, poured our love out on him, and then released him into his life.

Now, many more stories later our door was opened. The fog rolled away. The sun relented and we can see where we were and now where we are. For years the future was no where in sight and now we are living it, blessed beyond imagination and stronger than ever. Our arms are full once more, our son lights up our day, and our love for one another and our Father navigates us through every turn and straightway we face. What felt like forever now is remembered as a measured unit of time where survival won out. We are on the other side of that door. It's beautiful: forward progress. Time is an element of beauty that can only be measured by itself. As I age, it is time that amazes me. It was designed by our Creator to be infinite in it's effects and monumental in it's moments. It is so loved and so hated all at once. It defines so much or at least we allow it to. I love the gift of time. The gift to grow in every second closer to my Lord and understanding more and more this gift to be as important to me as the breath I breathe. I look to the day when our family has all of its members, to growing old with the man I love, and to seeing Yeshua finally obtain his destiny, recognized by all as the King He is. Yet, I do not rush away this moment. I may temporarily forget how seaking tomorrow costs me today but may the grace of God call me back to looking out over the horizon and appreciating the present.

The Weight of Love

 Today I caught a glimpse....one that had me in tears at the footstool of the throne  This momentary glimpse was of the Glory of the Lord and the weight it carries.   Over the last several years I have envisioned many times that the Glory of God is like a magnificent light  and sound and holiness to be the purity that surrounds and runs through it.  Then I would think about how someday when I have the opportunity to meet the Lord, that I will find myself falling beyond my knees face down in awe, wordless, in an honoring beyond imagination posture.   I have also thought of the weight of my sins and how Yeshua carried them for me.  The weight of my actions and heart have often sent me crying to Him in repentance.  I thought of the forgiveness and love that God gives in the "yoke is easy and burden is light" and "the joy of the Lord is our strength" truths.   But today, I have experienced something new... a deeper level.

Many times I have been described by others as not knowing how to say the word "no" to people:  As overextending myself in too many directions.  But at the core of who I am, I know that I have always done what I have, not for anyone other than my Lord, King, Savior, and Shield.  I have not served anyone for their benefit alone.  In fact, just as I love the Lord first and my husband second....so is the reasoning behind serving others.  I do it mainly because I so radically love Yeshua (Jesus) and then out of the love He has supplied me I give to others.  I have never said yes to something I couldn't handle and I have said no to things that God has given me a check about jumping in to.

So what does this have to do with today and the revelation I have had?  Because I realized that for me, Kelly, it is just easier for me to serve than to be served.  It is easier for me to give than to be given too, it is easier for me to bless than to be blessed and it is way easier for me to love than to be loved.  It is amazing how your weaknesses can be so genuinely built in your heart to love Him with all your might, soul, and strength.   Yet, in my constant search for His refining He has challenged me in a heart shaking kind of way again.

Today.... today I felt the weight of His love even more.  I like to believe that I felt one tiny fraction of what I will experience when I come face to feet with Him.  I nearly crumbled into pieces on the floor under the weight of His love.  I have experienced mind changing loving tender moments from our Abba (who has no doubt given many hours of hard growth) but something was different about today.  I spent three years actively studying and meditating on the Love of God and yet today, years later, I catch a much more full picture of what that really means.

I will write another day on the description of my understanding but for now I just needed an outlet that will in some way give Him praise for the revelation He has given to me.

God's love and blessings are not just light and fluffy things that float around and land on us like butterflies; it is real, tangible, life altering, and soul restoring and I pray that each one of my family and friends continue as I have..... thinking that you have good wisdom on the knowledge of Lord and then in a moment He drops the next level on you and again you find yourself changed from the inside out.

Lord, may you never cease to work in me and may You be forever exalted!

We Wait

I missed writing in August but it seems so fitting knowing this post for September....

This month I do not write of my own words but the words of Russell Kelfer.  It is as though Russell dove directly into my heart and soul and emerged with a pen and this poem...

Wait by Russell Kelfer Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait."  "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. "My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. "I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. "You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see. "You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

© 1980 Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

And one more piece by Ginger Garrett from the "Fear of the Unknown"


"Our suffering can increase through the agony of not knowing when it will end and why God has allowed it.  We want answers to questions that God does not seem eager to explain...  We imagine that if only God would tell us the day and time that our wait will end, we could relax and pace ourselves during our waiting.
But the idea that this suffering could stretch on indefinitely haunts us and makes the present much more difficult.  We can stand short bursts of pain, such as in the dentist's chair or when we get a flu shot, because we know the pain will end quickly and because we feel confident the suffering will produce a greater good.  We don't seem to need or ask for God's strength in those moments....
Lack of control, however, with no sense of when the suffering will end or why God allows it, nudges us to an all-knowing, all-powerful Lord.  God can best demonstrate who He is when we are paying careful attention.  Perhaps this is one reason why He does not reveal to us His exact times and dates and reasons.  We want Him to reveal the future - He wants to reveal His character."

Our life in line

Imagine if you will....


You're standing in a line, one right behind the other.  What are they giving away? - - -  the very thing that is your heart's desire.  Everyone in this line has fought hard to stand here.   They've seen roads and paths you've never seen and the same appears to be true vice versa.  


As you stand there on your tip toes, peering around the others, body aching from the wait.......everyone is straining their eyes to see if anyone is coming to give away one of these packages.  Sometimes they come close and walk off and other times there is no one in sight for miles.  And even still.... sometimes they come and place a package in your arms;  allow you to admire it;  and then they very sweetly slide it back out of your hands and walk off.


You wait again.  Eventually a person comes and someone is able to leave the front of the line dancing, praising, cheering, and crying with package in hand.  You think to yourself....."that feeling must be amazing!"  Then, you realize..."yes, I'm one step forward in this line."  Getting excited for forward movement you glance around.  Oh no, you see faces ahead of you that you don't recognize.  "Hey, when did they cut in?  Why did they jump ahead?"  "Perhaps I need to recount and get familiar with my surroundings."   You look in front and sure enough more people were allowed in, you look behind and the people behind you are starting to multiply.  The supply versus demand is starting to look critically unbalanced.  And to boot, no one is coming to drop off a package over the horizon.  These are the times your heart sinks and your mind asks if you should even stand here anymore. Your body says "I can't take anymore, I must lay down".  You find yourself sliding downward to the ground.  Not giving up your spot but without strength to stand anymore.  


"How do you do it?" - - - - - We don't.  We're both side by side in this line together bodies laying in our spot, weak and waiting.  Waiting for the line to move again; waiting for someone to pick us out of the line and say here; or even waiting for the command to be released from it all.  


Questions are being thrown at you regularly.  How can you consider walking away when you know you are in the right line and that eventually you'll work your way to the front?  Have you heard anyone's footsteps coming?   Why can't you just.......?


They go on and on and you smile and answer knowing that only the two of you side by side (and perhaps those in front and behind you), know the extent of this wait and what it will do to you.


You ask the Lord.... "should we stay here or should we move on".  And suddenly God, who can be so vocal, becomes silent.


Now you lay in silence....waiting.


This is our life.  We lay on the ground with only God's strength to move forward or step out.  We are submitted to Him and His call. Our flesh has been weaken to the point that it is no longer a factor.  


We know He will answer! We just don't know when and what that answer will be.


And even though the story seems to be a sad one; it's not.  We love our life and love that we are no longer operating from self but from supernatural grace, moment to moment.  It is all beyond our abilities and from that He will receive the greatest glory and praise!  It's great to see that the Lord has built up such a testimony; now if He'll only see us through to the praise report.  (we know He will by the way, we just need Him to keep picking us up and moving us forward).


So, if you're facing what looks to be the most impossible situation, the situation that hurts the most and weakens your resolve....know that it's okay to lay down and allow the Lord to pick you up when necessary.  Don't leave the line!  Stay committed until He releases you.  Know that laying down doesn't mean you've given up anything; except your fleshly desire to see it through in your own strength.  If you stay committed and without allowing the flesh to intervene then.....then you will see the Majesty of our Lord prevail!


"Bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."  


promises fulfilled lead to commandments obeyed and He gains all the Glory!

It's June again

This is our 31st anniversary of celebrating the month of June.  It's the 9th anniversary of celebrating our marriage together.  It's the 7th anniversary of believing for expansion.

With each year, month, day, and moment we are able to celebrate looking back and looking forward.  Ecclesiastes cannot be "upped".
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plan, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

The word "celebrate" usually implies that in doing so there is great joy and while that is true it does not forget that their is also great sorrow.  Additionally we recall that not all moments are extreme, some we are merely moving within.

This month we find ourselves again in the midst of all of the above.
Old seasons are passing away and new ones are beginning. We pluck up faded hopes and plant new dreams.  Moments can lead us weeping before the Lord and others can bring the encouragement of a friend.  We "dance upon injustice" for ourselves and others.  We embrace where we are and refrain from embracing where we are not.  Nearly each week we gain opportunities and nearly each week we lose them.  We keep our faith and cast away our cares.  We rend our hearts and keep silent holding on to promises.  We speak and sew into the lives of those we love.  We hate that war is necessary but know that peace will soon be coming.

Come Yeshua, move in our lives, hold us up, breakdown the flesh, strengthen our resolve, lighten our loads but not so much that we lose our ability to grow character.  We need you, we embrace all that You command and all that you give.  We look to the day that You fight the big battle and reestablish your peace and Kingdom!

Polka Dot Sky

Yay, it's Cinco de Abril!: oh no wait that's not right.  We're a month too early to break out that kind of fun.

So here we are; another month of living in fun unexpected times.  It's been three and a half months of being back home and it's only getting better - like any good relationship does.

The finale of last month marked some eventful changes of which we hope to post for your reading pleasure soon.  And the opening ceremonies of this month.....polka dot skies (and roads, and cars, and people, and anything that stays still or moves in the outdoors).

Spring has arrived taking the temperature and pollen count to new levels.  But, it's beautiful (not the pollen, the budding trees and flowers of course).

We see new colour appearing in different variations in our lives and are excited by the enhancement it brings.  (tune in later to see the extent of that thought - for now just dine on it's amuse bouche nutrients).

Happy Spring Everyone!

20 Days to Spring

Nicole Nordeman sang it best....
"Every drop of sun is full of wonder; You are summer.  I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come; You are autumn.  Even in death you open doors for life to enter; You are winter.  So it with You and how You make me new with every's season's change...as You are recreating me....Summer, Autumn, Winter....Spring."


Last year the seasons brought with them great strength building events.  This Springtime, we are happily looking forward to "newness".  Newness in Him, newness in relationships, newness in location, newness in revelation, newness in vision, and if we are being completely honest..... newness in hope.


Sometimes the aftershocks of the previous year can ripple without expectancy.  This movement automatically brings forth shifts and changes.  We have fully embraced and been excited for this new season in our life; not forgetting the ripples and wrinkles from that of the previous.


This leaves me (Kelly)  thinking of the phrase I love to sing so much each week......"renew our days as days of old".  This can be a simple statement or one of great complexity when applied personally to what has made someone flourish in life or what has crushed them.  My life has seen many quakes. I am not blind to the knowledge that most everyone has experienced life shaking circumstances with the same intensity but yet I only know the way it has affected my heart, logic, and fighting power.  God is my strength and even more wonderful....it is His joy that is my strength.....sometimes it's just a matter of weaving through the flesh to find that joy.


This time...this Spring....seems to carry a greater possibility of brightness with it.


Thanks to a dear friend who sought me out just to say..."Kelly, I know this sounds crazy....but I understand how you can be a woman of much faith and yet if you were completely real to yourself realize that in one out of a million pieces to your heart you have let hope completely bust."  It's like when people say..."keep faith, with God all things are possible."  My internal response to that "yes, but it doesn't mean He has to give you what you ask for if your heart is to let Him lead you into whatever His heart desires are for you." 


This winter, I have allowed many thoughts to lay dormant.  Allowed the unhealthy ones to die out.  And, have rested in knowing that in this fast approaching Spring season God will help to break out new life, new hope, new vision, and His joy will overflow.  I've needed to rest and now that sphere of hope is forming again...  


Life is wonderful and I have no complaints. I LOVE this season....I also love that He is renewing my days as days of old and all that it entails. 


I take a firm hold of it and all it's ways of pleasantness.....